Expectations

This Covid thing is dragging on, no end in sight. I’m sick of it. We’re all sick of it. Every day, it’s something new: spiking cases in coastal states, 85 babies sick in a Texas town, Trum* saying or doing something daft, schools trying to reopen “safely.”

Science tells us that there is no safety until there’s a vaccine or mass immunity.

Whole Foods deliveries and Amazon Prime have become my life. I dress up to go to CVS or a doctor’s appointment. I can’t bring myself to drive to Newburyport for a simple day trip. Can’t visit stores, can’t dodge people on the boardwalk, can’t use the public restrooms. Who knows when the toilets and sinks were last cleaned? Each person before me could be a carrier.

I want to go out to dinner with my boyfriend. I want to sit at a bar, sip a glass of wine, and dance the night away to a live band. I want to take my high schooler on college visits and see her smile. I want to hug my grown daughter, my Mom, my sisters and brothers. I want to share an extended family meal. I want to be with my colleagues. We work so well together.

I want to live without fear that I’ll end up in the hospital or die alone on a ventilator. Or have a loved one do the same.

Staying home and getting to bed by ten seems like I’m already retired. I remind myself that I’m one of the lucky ones still employed. Seeing colleagues on vid makes me long for pre-Covid days. Maybe in six months. Maybe next year. But it won’t be the same. The company is reconfiguring office space for fewer people. No one gets their own office, cubicle, or table. Going to work will mean finding some random space. I can’t sit with my team. Ever?

Maybe…

Be happy now, treasure the now, be grateful now has become my mantra. I choose to be happy.

For now, for my continuing sanity, I imagine better days. I picture joyful family gatherings, all of us grateful for the time together. I imagine slow dancing with my sweetie, his warm hand on my back, the band soulful, delicious. I imagine browsing hand-in-hand with him in some beach side shop, then stopping for an ice cream, waiting patiently among excited families, kids, elderly, and parents … everyone smiling.

I imagine joining my colleagues for business and a meal—you know—those corporate rah-rah meeting.

I imagine quick trips to shopping malls and the grocery store. I imagine trying on shoes. I imaging flying to California or London, taking my youngest to college and helping her settle in. I imagine returning a few months later for parent weekend, and seeing the transformation from high school girl to college student. I imagine taking my oldest for a chatty breakfast, and later selecting French pastry with her in a little shop. I imagine weaving people back into the fabric of my life the way humans are supposed to live. I imagine being happy, just like I am now.